Saturday, June 23, 2007

NHL Draft: An Alternative View – DHMILFs.

(A. Allens Note: You know, I was going to avoid NHL draft coverage for two reasons. One, about 80% of the time, I cannot tolerate the NHL. Two, honestly, coverage wise, I would have gotten intellectually destroyed if I posted anything draft-related when compared to what is available at the other big blogs and websites. Donald, however, has posted perhaps the greatest draft analysis of all.)

I watched the NHL Draft today. I’m a hockey fan, but frankly, I don’t usually have enough energy to closely follow anything other than my beloved Seawolves. But, jonesin’ for hockey has its results, and in this case, I looked forward to the draft show.

I’ve read tons of stuff from the experts and was impressed with the extent of some of pre-draft research these bloggers must have done in order to sound like they knew what they were talking about. And now, there is an absolute plethora of mavens, geniuses and otherwise pretentious assessments of the draft results all over the “Internets.” Over at Western College Hockey, Chris provided much pre-draft linkage and included his own mock draft. There’s literally dozens of great hockey minds covering (too many to link here) the event and offering their analysis. You’ve probably read some (or perhaps a lot) of it already. Honestly though, I'm pretty burned out on it all. How many times can anyone be expected to read about how and why that Russian kid slipped down the draft list?

Well, I’m not about to sit here today and second-guess any NHL organization or pretend I know more than professionals that have covered these events for years. I’m just a 30 year hockey fan who has only seen four of the kids taken in the first round play in person. So, what can I add that all these other geniuses haven’t said already? One thing: an analysis of the hotness (or lack thereof) of the moms of these future superstars. WTF?

Ever since I’ve blogged, I’ve noticed a propensity among female hockey fans to “rate” players on their looks. I’ve actually chided a couple of female bloggers for doing so (as I see it as a sort of reverse-misogyny). They, of course, told me to relax and in doing so I was inspired. So today, that state of mind produced this idea. I kicked back and took it upon myself to rate the Draft Hockey Moms I’d Like to… um… well… you know… “F.” Hence, the “alternative view.”

I did some quick searching for pictures, but hockey mothers aren’t exactly simple to Google and anything more than just a cursory search made me feel creepy. As to my “ratings,” they’re a combination of a fantastic algorithm I developed as well as input from a huge collection of internet wankers – most of who all spend way too much time on USCHO’s fan forum. Ok, ok, I made that up so it didn’t seem like I’m just spewing my own preferences.

The Blackhawks took Pat Kane with the 1st pick. I mention him here because his Ma was definitely the hottest in the round. On the street, I’ll pretty much always give a straight-haired brunette a 2nd look, but Mrs. Kane would be worthy of a long and inappropriate stare. I gave her a rating of 8.5.

I should say here that I’m 46 years old and am generally attracted to women close to my age. I’m not saying that if a 26 year old “super-fox” (70’s word) was stalking me I’d call the cops or get a restraining order, but experience and maturity definitely have advantages over youth in my book.

After Pat’s Mum it’s pretty much all downhill. With that said, here’s the rest…

1.) Mrs. Kane. My rating: 8.5.

2.) Mrs. Gagner. Another brunette whom I gave an overall 8. She didn’t get as much camera time for me to be really be cocky about my rating, but her hairstyle and color was enough for me to put her in this spot. My rating: 8.0.

3.) Mrs. Alzner. The only downside she seemed to have was a slight (and it was very slight) amount of that tricep-flab that you’d mostly notice if she put her arm out the window of a fast moving car. My rating: 7.5.

4.) Mrs. White. A nice looking well-shaped strawberry blonde (almost a redhead!). Her son takes after her a bit. My rating: 7.0-7.5.

5.) Mrs. Shattenkirk. Could have easily been #4 overall, but more “cute” than “hot.” I guess she’d be a “can’t miss” mid-round pick. My rating: 7.0-7.5.

6.) Mrs. Sutter. I was never a fan of any of the Sutter brutters. Sure, they worked hard and were gritty contributors – I wouldn’t take that away from them. None of them ever played on a team I liked, though, so they didn’t excite me. I’d assume Mrs. Sutter (and I have no idea which Sutter brutter she married) is probably a hardworking wife and mother as well. She reminded me a bit of Saturday Night Live’s Aunt Linda (played by Kristen Wiig). My rating: 7.0.

7.) Mrs. Blum. The most appropriately dressed mother in attendance. Again, not a lot of camera time to make my assessment. Being a cancer survivor though is kinda sexy. My rating: 7.0.

8.) Mrs. Plante. In some need of a couple of big surf and turf dinners. My rating: 6.5-7.0.

9.) Mrs. Nash. Could have been higher on the list if she actually had some eyebrows. And if you’re going with a sleeveless top you should probably do something to make sure your white bra straps don’t show, eh? My rating: 6.5.

10.) Mrs. Esposito. Maybe could have been rated a bit higher if her kid didn’t look exactly like her. My rating: 6.0-6.5.

The rest are simply not worthy of comment, but since I took notes…

“…from Mrs. McDonagh’s droopy eyes…, to Mrs. Cotoure, who could probably eat corn on the cob through Venetian blinds with those teeth…, to Mrs. Hamill, who instead of Dorothy’s cute coif, had some crazily frosted freak hair…, to Mrs. Bovace’s Martina Navratilova face…, or even Mrs. “Skeletor” Hickey who seriously needs to burger up daily.”

I’m sure they are wonderful moms and all that. I’d bet most of them are probably excellent cooks or perhaps even skilled professionals if they have jobs other than hockey mom. But yeah, I wouldn’t pork any of them with Dean Talafous’ litt…(A. Allen’s note #2: Heh… use your imagination, folks.).

1 comment:

THE UNH MEN'S HOCKEY BLOGGER GUY said...

Crazy man! Crazy!!!

That was great - really! I know I'll be paying more attention next year so I can be more critical in my evaluation of your Post-Draft MILF-down.

Go 'Cats!

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